Capsule Reviews: Lord of Tears and Monsters 2

Lord of Tears

This is the one with that Owl Man dude that everyone thought was super creepy. While I like the monster design, we only get to see it a few times. The rest of the movie, we're enjoying people talking about shit nobody really cares about, trapped in a film that looks like it was shot on a 20$ camcorder and then transferred to VHS, probably recorded over some old Seinfeld episodes.

It looks like garbage, it's slow as heck. There's nothing here.

I don't know. I just can't.

0 out of 5 Owls

 

Monsters 2: The Dark Continent

Hey, we should take that pretty decent indie flick that came out a few years ago and make a shitty sequel, mixing American Sniper in with Cloverfield. But make it extra shitty.

Bunch of soldiers head out to the middle east where giant monsters are hanging out. But they're still fighting those TERRISTS out there, while the monsters are an after thought. It's as if a rejected Jarhead sequel's script pages got mixed in with a monster movie. This is really bad and all the 'MURICA shit gets old real fast.

I mean, I dunno. Written and directed by the guy who directed the second season of Misfits, which wasn't that bad. Maybe he should leave the writing to someone else.

1 out of 5 Vagina Monsters (DNF)

 

Capsule Reviews: Among Friends, Dark Summer, Death Do Us Part

Sometimes I watch bad movies and then forget all about them because they don't even warrant a review. But they gnaw at me, these terrible things, and thus I review them months later, half-remembered and half-assed.

 

Among Friends

Utterly forgettable, not completely boring and unoriginal as hell. The premise is ludicrous. The plot as I remember it: A bunch of friends have 80s themed party but it turns out a maniac set it up to get their revenge of them. They proceed to reveal their darkest secrets (and oh boy are some of these people fucked up) while he murders/tortures them. It's a bit like like Happy Birthday to Me but without the charm or the quality.

2 out of 5 Dark Secrets

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dark Summer

Some dude gets cursed or possessed or something and him, his friend and the girl he's crushing on try to save him. Oh yeah, I think he's on house arrest because he was stalking some girl. Peter Stormare chews scenery as his probation officer and I wonder what kind of student loans he has that made him work on this. College is free in Sweden, so this is a real life mystery.

It's like Disturbia, but not any fun at all. It's boring and the ending sucks.

1 out of 5 Cursed Creepers

 

 

 

 

 

 

Death Do Us Part

Do you like people yelling at each other in the woods? Do you enjoy watching a bunch of ''friends'' who are mysteriously horrible to one another and seem to hate each other's guts, yet they hang out constantly? Do you like telegraphed plot twists that make no sense? Boy do I have something for ya.

Some lady is getting married and she takes her friends and her SO's friends to a cabin in the woods to celebrate. Someone starts murdering people. Nothing of value is lost.

1 out of 5 Wedding Dresses (1 point deducted for that ludicrous ending)



Bad Movies Double Feature: Buck Wild and In Fear

Look at this shit.

Buck Wild

What happens when you make a horror comedy with actors that possess no comedic talent. Extremely awkward, rarely funny and too long by half.

''When their originally planned outing is cancelled, four friends go on a hunting trip in Texas. They include Craig, a straitlaced man; Jerry, a mysterious relative of Craig's from New York; Tom, a nerd; and Lance, a hedonist. When they arrive, they discover that a chupacabra has bitten their guide Clyde, and, unknown to all, he has begun to slowly turn into a zombie.''

 

The synopsis doesn't inform you how ~*wacky*~ the movie is. There's a flaming gay redneck mafia dude that shows up at the beginning. At some point there's conflict between the protagonists and him and one of them get paddled by the mafia boss's cronies. This is the height of comedy this movie is trying to attain.

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Between painful jokes about Craig's unfaithful girlfriend, shitty sex scenes with the ''dumb slut'' stereotype neighbor and the meandering plot, there's very little of value here. You might enjoy it more if you're into gore and zombie stuff, but I was just waiting for the whole thing to end.

1 out of 5 redneck zombies.

 

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infearjpeg-e9500dIn Fear

This is a movie so boring, so bland, so incredibly shitty, that I feel as if I've already reviewed it in the past and I'm stuck in a kind of purgatory where I have to talk about this piece of shit forever. Harsh words, you might think, but I'm 100% serious, this is an offensively stupid movie, made even more agonizing by the fact that the director think he's some kind of auteur making cinema. It seems to have worked as the movie has a 86% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is idiotic at best. Fuck you.

 

''Tom and Lucy have decided to go on their first trip as a couple, to a music festival and a secluded hotel. However they soon find themselves unable to actually locate the hotel and spend much of their time getting lost in a labyrinthine series of forest roads. As they continue to drive, their tensions rise as they realize that something or someone is deliberately toying with them and enjoying their torment. They pick up Max, a strange hitchhiker that may be connected to everything that is going on.''

Get used to this image, you're gonna see a lot of it in the movie.

Probably the couple with the least chemistry in the world, you'll spend the first half hour trying to figure out if these two idiots have just hooked up for a weekend getaway or if they have actually met before. After a series of increasingly improbably events and choices, they get lost in some sort of maze made out of hedges. Why at no point does anyone say ''fuck it, I'm off-roading this bitch'' is a question that will torment you as the minutes tick on by.

Realizing at some point there's only so long you can go without having anything remotely interesting happen and also that your actors are just not good enough to prop the whole thing up, a weird guy they find on the road is added and that's really where the terribleness of the movie ramps up into nonsense.

This is devoid of value.

0 out of 5 idiots in a car

After (2012)

After-2012-Movie-Poster-e1342638056815Oh boy. I don't even know. A cut rate Silent Hill clone that somehow manages to be completely boring and predictable. Hell, it even gives away its own twist in the first 20 minutes. Plot synopsis says ''When two bus crash survivors (Steven Strait, Karolina Wydra) awake to discover that they are the only people left in their small town, they must form an unlikely alliance in a race to unravel the truth behind their isolation. As strange events begin to unfold, they start to question whether the town they know so well is really what it seems.'' These two end up in their hometown who is suspiciously devoid of people, except for when they seem to travel back in time and there's a bunch of people they can't interact with. It takes them about half an hour to figure out what's going on, because at no point do they think about reaching out and touching one of these phantom people. Imagine the frustration as they go ''Hello? Hello?'' for the duration of each scene while everyone around them ignores then. Everything looking like a totally radical 70s sitcom doesn't give it away either. Mystifying.

A situation that could have been creepy as hell becomes completely toothless at the hands of this director and actors. Ugh, I can't even go on.

Just watch the trailer, it's enough to give you a migraine.

0 out of 5 Silent Hills.

 

Help, These Movies Are Kinda Bad: Ladda Land, Tape 407 and Bunshinsaba.

Ladda Land Oh Ladda Land. A movie with a schizoid personality that never know what it wants to be. A comedy? A drama? A horror film? A thriller? Fuck knows. The movie deals with a pathetic guy and his utterly shitty family. His wife may or may not have been fucking her boss. His mother in law openly hates him and turns his own kids against him. His daughter treats him like shit and actually moves out of the fucking house at one point, with the blessings of her mother. Holy shit dude, just fucking go already. Pack a bag and get the fuck out, these people are literally shit.

They have no value. Just fucking run.

Anyway, some maid lady gets murdered (I don't think we ever find out who did it) and appears to be haunting a bunch of houses in the neighborhood. There's subplot about their neighbor who is abusing his son and his wife, one about the guy's job being a scam and leaving him hanging, the wife's boss who is implied is fucking her (I'm honestly not sure, he shows up at their house and later the husband notices the bed is unmade, so who knows) and a bunch of other stuff.

The actual horror thing is just an afterthough for most of the movie. The last part tries to ramp up the tension, but ultimately ends up being pretty dumb. Fuck it.

1 out of 5 closet ghosts.

Tape 407

Oh god. I can't really recommend this movie. It has a bit of a twist so it gets points to that, but it's the usual found footage shit in every other way. Especially in all the wrong ways, like people perpetually screaming at each other for no reason, repeating the same phrases again and again (''Listen to me! Okay? Listen. Listen to me! No, listen to me! Are you listening!'') in the name of ''realism.''

Look dude, you're not making a documentary. You're making a movie. That's why you should try and avoid things that make me want to throw your DVD out my window like a Frisbee, even if you think they're ''realistic.'' Just make the yelling stop.

Anyway, the movie deals with the survivors of a plane crash that are stranded in the middle of nowhere and proceed to get munched on by creatures unknown. There's two sisters, who serve as the protagonists, a tough air marshal, some photographer dude, whatever.  Everything is by the book: The asshole guy that everyone hates, people getting eaten one by one, the dumb twist at the end.

I don't really care enough about this movie to keep talking about it.

0 out of 5 airplane peanuts.

P.S. This movie is so shitty I can't even find a decent poster of it online.

P.S.S One of the posters has this quote: ''A twist ending to leave you breathless'' - Frightfest. Jesus Christ that quote should get someone jail time.

Ouja Board / Bunshishaba

I'm gonna keep this short because I didn't actually hate this movie, I just didn't particularly enjoy it. Bunshishaba is a local legend, kind of a cheapo Bloody Mary thing. Three high school girls call upon her to exact revenge on their bullies. Their plan works exceptionally well as they immediately start dying. Unfortunately, the titular demon has possessed one of them and the dark secrets of the weird ass village they live in are about to be revealed.

IMDB says: ''Yu-jin and her blind mother move to a small village from Seoul. On her first day at the new school, Yu-jin gets picked on by her classmates. Along with other victims of hatred, Yu-jin puts a curse on the four girls tormenting them through a Ouija Board. On her second day at school, one of the spellbound bursts into flames and dies just as she sits down where Yu-jin used the board. The next day, another victim burns to death, and now the school is enclosed by horror.''

It's nothing mind blowing but at the same time it didn't make me want to kill myself, so it gets a pass. I can't say I found anything scary about it, the usual girl with long black hair jumping out here and there, but the back story was interesting enough, if a bit derivative. I'd say it's worth a look, but definitely middle of the road stuff.

2.5 out of 5 vengeful ghosts.