Mr. Jones Review

Mr-JonesMr. Jones

Hey look, it's a horror movie I didn't hate. I mean I didn't like it especially much, but that's rare enough on it's own when your movie watching is the equivalent of a garbage disposal system.

The IMDB synopsis is pretty unhelpful, so I'll get you up to speed myself. Probably massive spoilers follow because I have no filter.

A couple decides to move to the middle of nowhere because they have artistic aspirations. This eventually becomes an issue when they start arguing about how they left perfectly good jobs so the guy can make a stupid documentary or whatever. At the same time they find weird sculptures around their property and adjacent areas, eventually realizing they are the work for an artist that's a bit of a underground sensation. Unfortunately he's well known for the fact that everyone who buys his sculptures has terrible shit happen to them.

The movie is basically about solving the mystery of this artist and his creations, via the medium of found footage.

1-mr-jones

Mostly but the numbers for the first half, it turns into some serious what-the-fuck territory in the latter half. Don't watch this while high or tired, it's pretty nightmarish. The movie as adequate at most things, managing some creepy moments here and there by actually utilizing the whole handheld camera aesthetic. The couple is kinda irritating, but what horror movie couple isn't. I wasn't gnashing my teeth while watching it so it must not have been too bad.

The ending...well... I don't know what to say about the ending. It wasn't disappointing exactly, but it was so convoluted and messy that I'm not sure what the hell supposedly happened. It kinda tries to throw a twist at you but it's all very confusing and open to interpretation. Feels like they tacked on some wtf-ness to make it more interesting, but I don't think they landed it.

2 out of 5 creepy-ass branch sculptures (I'd say 2 and a half, but I don't like decimals)

Help, These Movies Are Kinda Bad: Ladda Land, Tape 407 and Bunshinsaba.

Ladda Land Oh Ladda Land. A movie with a schizoid personality that never know what it wants to be. A comedy? A drama? A horror film? A thriller? Fuck knows. The movie deals with a pathetic guy and his utterly shitty family. His wife may or may not have been fucking her boss. His mother in law openly hates him and turns his own kids against him. His daughter treats him like shit and actually moves out of the fucking house at one point, with the blessings of her mother. Holy shit dude, just fucking go already. Pack a bag and get the fuck out, these people are literally shit.

They have no value. Just fucking run.

Anyway, some maid lady gets murdered (I don't think we ever find out who did it) and appears to be haunting a bunch of houses in the neighborhood. There's subplot about their neighbor who is abusing his son and his wife, one about the guy's job being a scam and leaving him hanging, the wife's boss who is implied is fucking her (I'm honestly not sure, he shows up at their house and later the husband notices the bed is unmade, so who knows) and a bunch of other stuff.

The actual horror thing is just an afterthough for most of the movie. The last part tries to ramp up the tension, but ultimately ends up being pretty dumb. Fuck it.

1 out of 5 closet ghosts.

Tape 407

Oh god. I can't really recommend this movie. It has a bit of a twist so it gets points to that, but it's the usual found footage shit in every other way. Especially in all the wrong ways, like people perpetually screaming at each other for no reason, repeating the same phrases again and again (''Listen to me! Okay? Listen. Listen to me! No, listen to me! Are you listening!'') in the name of ''realism.''

Look dude, you're not making a documentary. You're making a movie. That's why you should try and avoid things that make me want to throw your DVD out my window like a Frisbee, even if you think they're ''realistic.'' Just make the yelling stop.

Anyway, the movie deals with the survivors of a plane crash that are stranded in the middle of nowhere and proceed to get munched on by creatures unknown. There's two sisters, who serve as the protagonists, a tough air marshal, some photographer dude, whatever.  Everything is by the book: The asshole guy that everyone hates, people getting eaten one by one, the dumb twist at the end.

I don't really care enough about this movie to keep talking about it.

0 out of 5 airplane peanuts.

P.S. This movie is so shitty I can't even find a decent poster of it online.

P.S.S One of the posters has this quote: ''A twist ending to leave you breathless'' - Frightfest. Jesus Christ that quote should get someone jail time.

Ouja Board / Bunshishaba

I'm gonna keep this short because I didn't actually hate this movie, I just didn't particularly enjoy it. Bunshishaba is a local legend, kind of a cheapo Bloody Mary thing. Three high school girls call upon her to exact revenge on their bullies. Their plan works exceptionally well as they immediately start dying. Unfortunately, the titular demon has possessed one of them and the dark secrets of the weird ass village they live in are about to be revealed.

IMDB says: ''Yu-jin and her blind mother move to a small village from Seoul. On her first day at the new school, Yu-jin gets picked on by her classmates. Along with other victims of hatred, Yu-jin puts a curse on the four girls tormenting them through a Ouija Board. On her second day at school, one of the spellbound bursts into flames and dies just as she sits down where Yu-jin used the board. The next day, another victim burns to death, and now the school is enclosed by horror.''

It's nothing mind blowing but at the same time it didn't make me want to kill myself, so it gets a pass. I can't say I found anything scary about it, the usual girl with long black hair jumping out here and there, but the back story was interesting enough, if a bit derivative. I'd say it's worth a look, but definitely middle of the road stuff.

2.5 out of 5 vengeful ghosts.